What Makes A Couple Compatible?
by Jenn Clark
Compatibility is an interesting thing isn’t it? It’s true that you can’t really have a successful relationship without it. But what is it exactly? What makes two people “compatible?” And once life’s ups and downs set in, how do you remain “compatible” over time?
Compatibility is like chemistry – another essential “C” of relationships – either you have it or you don’t. All too often, we tend to think of being compatible as having a bunch of similarities with our partners. This isn’t totally untrue. There are certain fundamentals which, when shared, create the basis for a strong relationship. But it goes beyond that. So let’s break it down and take a look at the three main components of compatibility.
World View Compatibility – How we are raised, our religious faiths, and our education levels are all examples of influences that shape how we look at life. Having similar backgrounds and beliefs can indeed translate into relational compatibility. Being in harmony on the “big things” – how to raise your family, financial matters, and faith – can help diffuse disagreements on the “little things.” But even more important than agreement is respect. Seeking to understand your partner’s views and working toward compromise when necessary is actually more critical than always being of like mind.
Activity Compatibility – You’ve heard it said that couples who play together, stay together. And I think there’s truth to that. Having a shared interest or hobby creates a bond. It doesn’t matter what it is; maybe it’s scuba diving, wine tasting, or going to the movies. What is important is that you enjoy it as a couple and carve out time to make it a priority. If you don’t have an interest or two in common, chances are high your relationship will eventually fizzle out.
Negative Trait Compatibility – I think we overlook this much too often. How do you feel about your significant other’s worst habits or their biggest piece of baggage? Is it something you can live with? If it never changes or gets any better, are you okay with that? As far as I see it, people come with an “as-is” policy. Trying to change someone into who or what you want them to be rarely works. Sure, we all go through transformations as we grow older and grow up. Our life experiences can certainly shape us over time. But while relationships may refine us somewhat, who we fundamentally are usually doesn’t change. So look for someone whose “negative qualities” work with your own faults. Find someone who you can live with and love through their worst moments. That’s true compatibility.
Both men and women tend to get involved based on attraction and feelings of “fun” when they’re around another person. That’s not a bad start. But it’s compatibility that provides the framework on which healthy, long-term relationships are built.
Jenn Clark is a writer, love coach, and all around “sex-pert” when it comes to dating and relationships. She is a columnist for AVID Magazine, a featured writer for a variety of websites, and a monthly co-host of the radio show “Beyond Beautiful.” You can find both her and her popular blog at www.facebook.com/jennx30somethingandsingle.
