The magic formula for romantic chemistry
By Jenn Clark
Some call it attraction. Some “the spark.” However you refer to it, chemistry is one of the elements of a successful relationship. It’s often hard to find in the beginning and can be difficult to maintain over time. But it is essential.
I receive many questions from female readers asking me what they should do when they meet a guy who seems really nice, but they just don’t feel that “thing” for him. My answer is always the same: Keep him as a friend but don’t get romantically involved with him. Sound cruel? Shouldn’t we give people a chance even if we aren’t that attracted to them? No way! Physical attraction is mandatory. And it must be present in the beginning for your relationship to have a chance in the future. That initial chemistry is essential to surviving the road ahead.
Even if a relationship starts out with two people who are incredibly attracted to each other, the “spark” will diminish to some degree. The initial high will wear off and day-to-day life will set in. It just happens. But you’ve got to make sure the fire doesn’t burn out completely.
So how do you keep the chemistry alive, especially in a long-term relationship? In order to maintain the chemistry, there are three things you need to do.
* Maintain the mystery – Much of this is up to the women. When it comes to our daily routines, a man never needs to see you putting on deodorant, waxing your upper lip, or squeezing a zit. Don’t follow him into the bathroom or keep the door open when either one of you is on the toilet. I know of one woman whose husband of over forty years has never even seen her brushing her teeth. This may sound extreme but I think you get my point. There are certain activities that should be done in private and certain things you don’t need to discuss with your guy. There is indeed such a thing as being “too close.”
* Maintain your own lives – I’m always skeptical when I hear people say, “My relationship is perfect. We share everything.” Here’s the truth: If you want to keep things passionate, you have to have things that are “yours” as well as things that are “ours.” This is what creates excitement. In contrast, too much “togetherness” equals boredom. Or, as the famous saying goes, “Familiarity breeds contempt.”
It’s important to continue with the hobbies and activities you enjoyed before you became a couple. Everyone should have one thing they are passionate about apart from their relationship and career. Maybe it’s Pilates. Maybe it’s charity work. Maybe it’s skeet shooting. Whatever it is, it should be something that you love doing and that you do without your beloved. (Side note, ladies: Shopping doesn’t count!) This is what makes us “well-rounded” and “balanced.” And keep in mind that it is your “alone time” that will inspire both of you to want to spend romantic “together time!”
* Maintain the romance – Once you are both living under the same roof, it can be difficult to truly continue “dating.” But it is important that you do. It’s a great idea to have a built-in “date night;” one night a week where you get a sitter (or alternate babysitting duties with a girlfriend) and leave the kids at home.
Vacations – or if finances are tight “stay-cations” – are also a great idea. And I’m not talking about the family road trip to Disneyworld. Make it your goal that twice a year you ship any kids off to grandma’s and get away – just the two of you. It doesn’t have to be a trip that sets you back five figures. A short jaunt or a weekend where you lock yourselves in the house will do just fine. The important part is to spend some time together without the distractions of work, schedules, family, and your cell phones.
If you work to maintain the mystery, your independence, and the romance, you’ll always have a feeling of newness in your relationship. And that newness and excitement is exactly what you need to maintain chemistry over time.
Jenn Clark is a writer, love coach, and all around “sex-pert” when it comes to dating and relationships. She is a columnist for AVID Magazine, a featured writer for a variety of websites, and the author of the upcoming book, “How to Be a Goddess (A Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming the Woman Men Dream About…). You can find both her and her popular blog on the Facebook page “Jenn X: 30Something & Single.”
